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12 janeiro 2006

Big Bastard Brasil!

Além do meu tradicional "o que eu fiz hoje", nos próximos dias vocês acompanharão os oito episódios da mais nova minissérie da internet tupiniquim: o Big Bastard Brasil!
Quem não estiver a fim de acompanhar o Big Brother da Rede Globo, pode se divertir com as imbecilidades do reality show mais acéfalo da internet!
Na verdade, os 3 primeiros episódios já tinham sido feitos em janeiro do ano passado, chamado Big Brother Sims (!), no meu blog antigo. "Comemorando" o retorno do programa, voltei com a série. E dessa vez vou até o fim.

BIG BASTARD BRASIL
1 milhão de reais em disputa! Quem vai ganhar?

Gigantic City parou nos últimos dias. Afinal, começou o Big Bastard Brasil, um reality show totalmente inovador! Oito manés, juntos, na mesma casa, convivendo por 42 dias, disputando uma grana preta - 1 milhão de reais! A cada 7 dias, haverá um "paredão", no qual um participante será desclassificado e voltará pra sua casa com os bolsos vazios.
A criadora da idéia foi a maior e mais suja de todas as emissoras, a Rede Bobo
, que, afim de esmagar ainda mais a concorrência, passa o BBB diariamente, depois da novela "Algemas da Paixão". O público está curioso pelos rumos do programa. Afinal, é ele quem decidirá quem fica e quem sai da casa! Sem mais enrolação, vamos "dar nome aos bois":

Os participantes (todos têm entre 18 e 20 anos):
- Khaled: o nome diferente já indica que esse cara é bem original. Ele é budista, e tem um estilo de vida bem diferente. É meio paranormal, vive falando em coisas transcendentais, luz interior, e passa metade do dia meditando. Calmo, nunca entra em brigas. Trabalha como hipnotizador. Contudo, é gente fina e amigável.
- Melissa: a patty das pattys. Garota fútil, é o que há de pior entre a juventude materialista, consumista e capitalista. Foi pra casa por acaso - quando estava no shopping, achou um cupom do BBB. Como adora entrar em promoções de coisas populares, Melissa se inscreveu. No vídeo, mostrou suas habilidades em manipular outras garotas e em decidir qual roupa e qual música está ou não na moda. Adora fazer amigos, mas aguenta poucos instantes sem ir num shopping.
- Giovani: o rei da mulherada. Sua lábia para conquistar garotas é sensacional. Simpático, tem talento para ser ator, já que suas investidas são sensacionais - ele improvisa muito bem, e sua boa aparência e sorriso Colgate encantam as mulheres. Apesar de pouco esperto para complôs, é peça fundamental para qualquer confabulação, por ser um cara popular. Será que a mulherada resistirá às investidas dele?
- Tainara: a oportunista. Usa de sua beleza física e charme para abusar e se aproveitar dos outros. Vira-casaca, tem habilidade para se mudar de lado a seu belprazer. Não é exatamente uma confabuladora, é uma garota esperta e astuta. Contudo, Tainara possui um ponto fraco - tem uma queda por nerds. Por isso, evita complôs contra eles.
- Carlos: o estrategista e intelectual. Viciado em política, foi o mais jovem presidente do grêmio de seu colégio. Desperta a confiança de todos com seu jeito sério e discreto de ser. Mas sua discrição esconde um sujeito muito habilidoso para jogar - ele não está no jogo pelo prêmio ou a fama, mas pela glória (vai saber lá por que...). Ah, sim, ele curte Rock clássico, e trouxe dezenas de cds e seu discman.
- Raul: outro cara estranho que só a produção do programa poderia achar. Ele se veste como punk, é maconheiro (adivinha qual o desenho animado favorito dele? Scooby-Doo =D) e tem dupla personalidade. Mesmo com todas essas "qualidades", tem tudo pra ser um dos preferidos do público, já que esse jeito doidão de viver dele, por incrível que pareça, faz dele uma pessoa carismática.
- Mônica: a workaholic, a viciada em trabalho. Ela trabalha o dia inteiro, se empenha totalmente no seu ofício e quase não dorme (é a maior consumidora de café da cidade). Contudo, ela nunca conseguiu ser promovida para metereologista, pois ela trabalha tanto que não tem tempo pra amizades. Entrou no programa pra ter um descanso dessa vida tensa e fazer amigos.
- Natália: a romântica da casa. Trabalha com música desde os 16 anos, e é cantora de bar. Suas composições sempre falam de amor. Ela nunca teve um relacionamento duradouro, pois todos os seus namorados só pensavam em sexo. Contudo, ela ainda acredita que, um dia, encontrará sua cara-metade - quem sabe, até lá na casa! A atividade preferida dela é tocar piano e escrever poemas e sonetos.

OS PRIMEIROS DIAS
O apresentador Pablo Miau anunciou ao público naquela segunda-feira o início do BB Sims:
- Olá, espectadores idiotas! Começa hoje o programa mais demente e doentio da história, mas que ainda assim, você vai assistir! O Big Bastard Brasil já tem seus oito participantes exilados na mansão. Quer dar uma espiadinha??? A hora é agora, mané!
Os participantes já estavam na sala, sentados nos sofás, aguardando o anúncio da prova do líder. E ele logo veio:
- Boa noite, otários!
- Boa noite, Miau!
- Bem, seus ignorantes, vejam como será a prova do líder. Como a produção do programa é formada por um bando de retardados, a prova é bem simples - quem aguentar mais tempo o Palhaço Trágico, que acaba de chegar aí na casa, ganha a prova. Traduzido pro pessoal débil mental, quem tiver mais paciência, leva a imunidade e escolhe um dos emparedados. O que estão esperando? Que entre no quintal o Palhaço!
Aquilo foi uma notícia terrível pra eles - o Palhaço Trágico, um dos personagens mais odiados da história? Ainda assim, uma semana de imunidade valeria a pena. O fim da prova seria dado quando apenas uma pessoa resistisse ao palhaço. Passados quatro minutos, e uma pessoa já tinha caído fora: Melissa, que alegava que experimentar suas roupas novas parecia mais divertido. Minutos depois, Giovani, percebendo que poderia dar uns malhos na Melissa, também saiu. Meia hora depois, Mônica foi despachada, pois tentou enforcar o palhaço.
Já era madrugada, quando Natália desistiu - ela tinha acabado de ter uma idéia de uma canção romântica, que falaria sobre o Amor Trágico. Apenas quatro participantes na prova! Foi quando Raul desistiu, pois precisava de sua dose diária de maconha. Restavam apenas três!
Enquanto isso, Giovani achou Melissa no quarto:
- Oi, gatinha... como vai?
- Bem, mas sabe o que eu precisava? De shopping! Eu achei que aqui ia ter pelo menos uma lojinha pra eu descarregar minhas tensões e gastar dinheiro...
- Eu sei algo que pode deixar você menos tensa...
- O quê? Ei, espera, não me diga que você comprou o novo CD do Complicated Plan? É di-vi-no!!
- Não, estou falando em ir debaixo do edredon e "brincar"... topa?
- Bem, você é bonitão... eu preciso mesmo de uns amassos. Com certeza, eu topo!
E então, Giovani e Melissa tiveram uma diversão erótica debaixo do edredom por mais de 15 minutos, e só pararam quando a produção disse pra eles que não podiam trazer animais pra casa...
Voltando à prova, os três remanescentes, Khaled, Carlos e Tainara, continuavam bravamente. Contudo, já às 6h da manhã, Carlos viu que não era tão importante pro momento a liderança, pois uma coisa que ele não queria era "se queimar" com os outros participantes quando desse o voto no sábado... e Tainara o seguiu, por motivos já explicados no perfil. Khaled, graças à sua calma e sua paciência, se tornou o primeiro líder! Suas palavras a respeito disso:
- Graças às forças transcendentais de meu mestre, venci mais esse obstáculo. Aummmmmmm....
Nos dias seguintes, a galera da casa parecia bem amigável. Tainara, fingida como sempre, era amiguinha de todo mundo, e com sua lábia e beleza física, conseguiu virar, em poucos dias, um nome fora de cogitação para paredões. Carlos também fez social com todo mundo. Com duas garotas, em especial - Tainara e Natália. Com a primeira, falou mais sobre o nada (ambos gostavam de Seian Feld, famosa comédia "sobre o nada" da Philips). Com a Natália, falou sobre relacionamentos, fazendo o típico "chapa do ombro amigo".
Já Mônica pediu pra Khaled ajudá-la a ficar mais calma. O budista aceitou numa boa ajudar a hipertensa. Além disso, ele poderia ter outra prova de resistência, afinal, acalmar uma garota conhecida por seu temperamento explosivo e tensão era um desafio... Raul acabou se antipatizando com Melissa e Giovani, quando eles tomaram a cama de casal que era de direito dele, segundo o sorteio. Ele já estava pronto pra brigar com os dois, quando a maconha fez efeito e ele caiu no sono, repentinamente. A patty e o galã aproveitaram e deram mais uma rapidinha...
A casa precisava de uma intriga, e ela veio no sábado, dia da escolha do líder, de manhã. Khaled estava dando aulas de meditação pra Mônica, mas nada ainda fazia efeito, já que ela continuava nervosa com tudo. E ele tentou um último recurso - hipnose. Tudo ia dando certo, quando ele errou o último passo da meditação e acabou deixando-a mais acordada e tensa ainda:
- Pô, que droga! Você é um idiota! Irresponsável! Não faz nada direito! O Buda é um bundão!
Era o fim da picada. Khaled não disse nada, mas saiu da conversa alegando que "precisava de incenso", contudo, já sabia em quem votaria à noite...
E Pablo Miau, à noite chegou, pedindo o voto dele:
- Boa noite, seus macacos! Hoje, eu só vim pra pedir o voto do Khaled, que mandará um azarado pro paredão! Muito bem, Ghandi, digo, Khaled, em quem você vota?
- Miau, o meu voto vai por motivos de ofensa às minhas crenças e devido à inédita falha de uma hipnose minha. Por isso, eu indico a Mônica... Rápido, Natália, aproveita que você está mais perto da cozinha e pega um calmante, porque a Mônica está começando a ficar bem nervosa...
Khaled estava certo: Mônica se desesperou, e estava pronta pra espancar todo mundo, quando Natália achou o calmante e a deixou mais calma... não o suficiente, mas pelo menos ela dormiria algumas horas...
No domingo, todos os outros sete votariam. Pablo pediu o voto deles. Veja em quem cada um votou:
Mônica: eu voto no Khaled, ele foi muito mal... não pode votar nele? Droga! Então, vai a Melissa, ela é muito feliz, isso me incomoda... Argh!
Carlos: bem, eu declaro que meu voto vai para o Raul. Não pude conhecê-lo bem, afinal ele ficava dormindo o dia inteiro... e ainda roubou minha comida. Não que eu estivesse com fome, mas eu precisava votar em alguém.
Melissa: ah, tipo, saca, voto no Raul. Ele é ridículo, to-tal-men-te fora da moda! Além disso, me chamou de Velma... eca! Helloooo, eu sou estilo Daphne!
Raul: zzz... Hã? Ah, eu... voto... no... Giovani... pois... ele... roubou... minha... cama... zzzz....
Natália: voto na Tainara. Não confio muito nela. Será que ela trama pra me eliminar? Sei lá, tenho a leve impressão...
Giovani: bem, voto no Raul. Ele é um maconheiro fedido e esfomeado.
Tainara: escolho a Natália. Ela é muito amiguinha do Carlos... sei lá, não gosto disso.
Miau deu o resultado:
- Suas antas, aqui está o resultado - 3 votos pro Raul, ele vai pro paredão. Tchau, eu tenho que fazer um "teste de microfone" com a Eka, de outro reality show da emissora. Hehe, fui!
Raul recebeu bem o resultado, mas descarregou suas tensões de madrugada, quando deixou no talo o toca-CD, ao som de punk à la Sux Pistols, e impediu o sono de todo mundo... exceto Khaled, que, no quarto do líder, ficou ouvindo músicas indianas, relaxado... Mônica aproveitou o barulho pra limpar a casa inteira e cortar a grama, em tempo recorde - um dos hobbies preferidos dela, diga-se de passagem.
E então, quem será eliminado, Raul, o punk que adora um baseado, ou Mônica, a estressada que adora explodir com os outros?
Não perca o próximo capítulo desse reality show excêntrico e doentio, mas que você ainda assim jamais perderá um capítulo!

 

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Eu voto nos homens com tendência a ficar pelados, depois eu passo a votar nas mulheres com tendência a ficar de roupa.


você que não sabe, mas bbb é uma cultura e tanto! hahaha


Olha cara, ou vc aumenta essa letra ou vai ficar dificil ler alguma coisa! Por favor né, quer deixar o povo q le o BBB cego?


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